


Dark Butterflies

by midnightskydan



Series: Dark Butterflies [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 05:13:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11913936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightskydan/pseuds/midnightskydan
Summary: In which Phil's introversion runs deeper than one might think, and it's been a rough few weeks of socializing. Could one meeting be all it takes to push Phil over the edge?





	Dark Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> you can also read this [on tumblr](https://sunkissedphil.tumblr.com/post/164529505416/dark-butterflies)

Phil woke up very much craving a lazy day. A day in which he could simply lie with his boyfriend and watch stupid television. They were done moving, done meeting with family. He wanted alone time. He certainly didn't want to have to be around strangers or have to work with others.

For quite a while, Dan had been the only one who didn't leave Phil mentally and physically exhausted after socializing with him. Even Phil's other closest friends left Phil tired and relieved after hanging out. Dan was the only one Phil could stand to be around practically 24/7.

It hadn't always been that way, however. Back in 2009/10, every time Dan finally left after being over, Phil was exhausted. He loved Dan and every second they spent together, of course, but he couldn't deny the tiny bit of relief he felt when he was able to be alone again.

Phil was 100% an introvert. Social situations easily drained him, even with is loved ones. And when expected to talk with strangers, his nerves often got the best of him. He was relieved to come into any alone time, even if it meant his friends leaving. Too many social situations could overwhelm him easily, and he often felt terrible during those situations when others seemed fine.

He'd been this way all throughout high school, but wasn't diagnosed with social- and later generalized- anxiety until he was 19 and in university. From there it was a lot more manageable, and Phil had a much easier time making friends.

Phil had told Dan about his condition before they met, and he was extremely understanding. Dan gave him space when he needed it, never pressured him into any situations Phil wasn't comfortable with, and made sure Phil didn't feel judged.

Dan had always had a few run ins with anxiety, so he understood, but he'd never had it as serious as Phil. Which led to Dan feeling terrible about coming to Phil with his problems for the first year and a half of their relationship because "you have it so much worse and don't need my crap, Phil." But they worked through that once Phil realized he'd been doing it.

Dan wanted to move in with Phil as soon as he could, already entirely committed to his and Phil's relationship, but Phil was a little more hesitant. It wasn't that Phil wasn't committed, he was. He was certain he'd never be with anyone else again. He'd fallen just as hard and fast for the boy as Dan did him. But sharing a living space with his boyfriend, seeing him everyday, could Phil handle never really having alone time?

Dan was his usual perfect understanding self when Phil explained his concerns. Dan promised he'd wait as long as Phil needed, and even suggested that they find a flat where they could have separate bedrooms so Phil could have his own space when he needed it.

After that conversation, Phil finally had the courage to start looking for places, and he and Dan moved in together before Dan's second year at university was to begin. Phil was glad he'd gotten over his silly fear, as Dan ended up needing his support a lot in the following year, and as their careers began to intertwine, they gained popularity by the thousand.

Things went downhill a few times, but, in the long run, Dan was always there for him when he needed it.

And in that way, Dan hadn't changed a bit. He was fairly tuned in to Phil's emotions, able to tell when his anxiety was bad. He talked Phil through the rare panic attack. And he still made sure that Phil had his space when he needed it. But nowadays, Dan was the only person Phil could spend all his time with without being anxious and exhausted.

Phil rolled over. He found that Dan was already up, and sighed. They had to go out today and meet with their management to discuss a possible new project.

Phil already felt anxious at the though of having to go out and engage in professional conversation with practical strangers. In fact, he was in such an anxious mood already, he wasn't even sure he wanted to see Dan. But, he knew that was just the anxiety talking, and once he did see Dan he'd feel better.

So, Phil forced himself out of bed and into the kitchen, trying to ignore the unease in his stomach. He found Dan already putting Phil's coffee on.

Dan noticed Phil enter and smiled. "Hey," He breathed cheerily, "Morning."

Phil groaned, leaning his forehead against Dan's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around his slightly taller boyfriend, feeling a bit better when he had Dan's arms protecting him.

"Butterflies?" Dan asked softly.

Of course Phil's anxiety was nothing like the exciting jittery feelings you got when you talk to your crush or have your first kiss. Phil's butterflies were enormous, dark, pounding against his ribs and flying through his stomach at high speed. But they'd come to call Phil's anxiety this, as Phil didn't like blatantly stating his problem, but he could think of little other ways to describe it. Back when Dan had first met him, he'd described it as "dark butterflies," meaning the feeling you get when your anxious and excited, but much darker, much more sinister. Dan had promised he would chase away the butterflies. He'd kept good on that promise for the most part, and Phil couldn't be more grateful. Of course he didn't magically heal Phil or whatever crap they show you in movies. He just worked with Phil, talked him through his attacks, got him help, listened. He supported Phil while Phil did his best to help himself.

Phil nodded, as well as he could with his forehead pressed tot he top of Dan's shoulder. "I hate this," he breathed.

Dan was silent, wrapping an arm around Phil, running his back. Phil knew complaining wouldn't help, but he was so tired of feeling like this.

"You want your meds?" Dan asked, gently, thumb stoking Phil's arm.

Phil sighed. He had anxiety medication that was to be taken as needed. He was only meant to take it when he felt overwhelming anxiety, a possible panic attack coming on, or if he was panicking already.

"Yeah," he begrudgingly replied. He didn't want to feel like this all day, and they really couldn't get out of their plans.

Dan seemed relieved with his reply and gently pulled away to find the tablets in the bathroom medicine cabinet.

Phil got a coffee mug down, staring at the coffee maker. He tried to ignore the twisting in his stomach. Why couldn't he just have a normal day talking about his career with his management and getting excited over a possible new project?

He guessed he'd just a had a rough few weeks. With meeting with management, interviews being set up, still feeling like he'd just gotten back from playlist and vidcon, his vacation with his family. His family had visited yet again, and Phil was drained. He hadn't had enough time alone to make up for all the time spent around so many people. Phil's anxiety was due to spike soon.

"When was the last time we saw your psychiatrist?!" Dan called from the bathroom, hoping he was somehow wrong and they'd seen him recently.

Phil bit his lip, still not happy with the fact that he had to see a psychiatrist. He knew it was stupid to be embarrassed in front of Dan, but Dan didn't have to see a professional. Phil shook away those thoughts and thought on Dan's question. It had at least been a few months... "Why?" Phil replied nervously.

Dan returned to the kitchen, frown on his face. "I can't find any of your meds, I think we're out, love," Dan spoke apologetically.

"Oh," Phil mumbled, hands gripping his empty mug tightly.

Phil met with a psychiatrist every few months and he prescribed them more of the anxiety medication when needed. Phil had used quite more than usual over the past few months, and it made sense for him to be out.

"A-are you sure?" he asked, feeling the butterflies move faster and swirl in his stomach.

"I'm sorry, Phil, do you want me to call and cancel?" Dan asked, obviously concerned.

Phil thought a second and waved his hand. "I'll be okay. I can let you know if it gets bad, but I have breathing exercises and stuff. I'll be fine," he assured, smiling.

"Alright, but I'd skip the coffee. Caffeine won't help, sadly," Dan warned.

"The one good thing in my life," Phil over-dramatically cried.

Dan chuckled, heading off to get dressed. Phil turned off the coffee maker with a sigh and followed after Dan to get dressed himself. By the time they left the flat, Phil seemed better.

~•~•~

Dan gave Phil's hand a squeeze before they stepped out of the cab to enter the building and meet with their management. Phil gave him a smile, hoping Dan wouldn't worry about him.

It was pathetic. Phil was a grown man. He should be able to handle himself. He took a few deep breaths, trying not to let Dan know know anxious he actually was. He needed at least one of them to be able to pay attention to the meeting without worrying. Dan had a tendency to worry too much about taking care of Phil whenever Phil had an issue.

Dan sent Phil a reassuring smile before they entered the building, greeted by the familiar faces of some of the crew that joined them on tatinof, and the unfamiliar faces of other coworkers.

Phil was having a hard time focusing as he went on autopilot with his greetings and smiles, following them down the halls. He could hear Dan chattering animatedly with someone.

Phil instead focused on his breathing. He was glad that Dan was able to sort of take over. He'd grown a lot in that area. For a long time Phil had to be the adult, take care of the professional stuff, for the most part. But in the recent years, Dan allowed Phil to teach him how to take on more responsibility. Phil guessed that since Dan's own mental health had improved, he realized Phil needed to take a load off before his could improve as well. Whatever it was, Phil was grateful.

Most of the meeting went by without incident, mainly due to the fact that no one really interacted with Phil. Phil had just kept to the corner, nodding along, smiling politely. His anxiety didn't necessarily get better, but it didn't get worse.

At least until...

"Phil?" Dan asked.

Phil shook himself from his thoughts to find everyone in the room focused on him, staring at him expectantly. Why was everyone looking at him? What had he missed?  _Stop looking at me, please stop, why are you staring at me? What happened? Please don't look at me, oh God, leave me alone._ He looked to Dan to somehow save him, and Dan's brow furrowed.

"Phil, you okay?" Dan asked, gently.

"Yeah, mate, you alright?" Another voice asked.

Everyone continued to stare at him expectantly, some murmuring among themselves.  _They're talking about me. I probably look so stupid. Fuck. Fuck. I can't speak. Why can't I speak?!_ The butterflies in his stomach beat their wings faster and faster.

Why had Dan called attention to Phil's discomfort? Why would he put Phil on the spot like that? Didn't he know how Phil was feeling? Why would he do that?!

Phil felt his breathing speed up and his eyes water, and he freaked out. He couldn't panic here, not in front of the people he worked with. Fuck, this was so embarrassing. He tried to focus enough to find the nearest exit. He got it within his sights and impulsively bolted for it. He needed out. He needed to get away. He needed solitude.

Phil walked quickly down the halls, staring at the floor as tears slipped down his cheeks. Every person he passed increased his heart rate and made his movements and breathing even more frantic. Finally he saw a sign for a bathroom and rushed into it, relieved in the slightest that he finally had somewhere to be alone.

He locked the door to the family bathroom, sinking to his knees in the corner and letting out a sob. His breathing was quick and shallow and he couldn't even think properly.

Fuck! What was he going to do now?

* * *

Dan glanced over at Phil when he didn't reply to the question he was asked. Dan frowned a little as he looked his boyfriend over. Phil looked even paler than usual, and he didn't seem to at all register that he'd been asked a question.

"Phil?" Dan asked, thoughtlessly, hoping to get Phil's attention.

Phil blinked, seeming confused. He looked around, obviously unsettled. Then he seemed to recognize the situation and a familiar look took over his expression. Dan recognized that look.  _Shit._ Phil's anxiety.

Dan had let himself forget to worry about it while he was talking and planning. Phil had seemed content to sit alone and barley contribute. Dan thought that would get him through the meeting. 

Phil looked to Dan desperately, and the rest of the world melted away as Dan stared at Phil. "Phil, you okay?" He asked, softly.

Someone asking a, "Yeah, mate, you alright?" brought Dan back to the real world and everyone else began murmuring concerns. Everyone was focusing on Phil, and Dan silently cursed himself for calling attention to Phil. This wouldn't help at all. Dan bit his lip, and Phil jumped up, running from the room.

_Fuck._

Dan briefly explained that Phil hadn't been feeling well, and that he'd likely rushed to the restroom, to his coworkers before he hurried to find Phil. He sped down the halls of the building. He discovered a bathroom and found it locked. He listened carefully and, sure enough, he heard quiet breathy sobs.

"Phil?" Dan called softly.

Phil let out a sob when he heard Dan on the other side of the door. Dan had probably told everyone about Phil's disorder and panic. Dan was usually so good at being discrete. Did he not care anymore? Did he not notice how Phil had been on the verge of panic the entire time? Was Phil just a massive burden?

"Phil, love," Dan pleaded, "I'm so sorry, let me in?"

Phil was upset and scared and confused, but he knew he was shit at getting trough these without Dan, so he reached up with a shaking hand and unlocked the door. He sunk back into his fetal position against the wall, hyperventilating and shaking.

Dan opened the door and, upon seeing Phil's state, rushed to close it and get to his boyfriend's side.

"Oh God, Phil, I'm so sorry," Dan rambled, entry grabbing Phil's hands to pull them from his chest. "Cmon love, sit up, knees down," Dan requested. He needed Phil to keep his chest free and be able to fill his lungs even with the shallow breathing he was doing.

Phil did as he was told, really having no choice as Dan gently manhandled him into a good position.

"W-w-what d-did you-" Phil struggled to breath as he gasped out words. "T-tell," he added, still hyperventilating.

Dan was confused for a moment, but quickly gathered what he meant. "Oh, sh-sh-sh, love, I just told them you felt ill today, that's all," Dan reassured, thumbs storming over Phil's knuckles as he held his boyfriend's hands.

Phil was relieved at that, but his panic didn't ease in the slightest. He looked a wreck, hair sticking to his forehead with sweat, tears running down his cheeks, snot running down his upper lip, breathing quick and shallow, entire body shaking. Though, Dan had seen him in this position far too many times before.

Dan grabbed a few squares of toilet roll and held it to Phil's nose, cleaning him up a tiny bit. "Shhh, Phil, breathe," Dan coached, "Deep breaths, fill your lungs, then let it out slowly." Dan had both gotten used to, and would never get used to, this. He knew how to act and what to say, but that didn't stop his internal panic every time. The mantra in his head of  _oh my God, Phil's hurting. Fuck, I probably could've stopped this. Shit shit shit._ He still had a hard time seeing Phil broken like this when Phil had always been his personal hero, his rock, the strong one. But like this, he looked so small.

Phil squeezed Dan's hands, needing to be grounded, to feel something that felt real in his confused and floaty state.

"Just breathe," Dan murmured, squeezing Phil's hands back. "You're okay. We're gonna go home, yeah? But first you've got to breathe for me."

Phil just wanted to go home, but he knew Dan was right. He needed to calm down first. He focused on breathing, still finding it hard to focus on anything. There was a ringing in his ears and he just wanted to sleep but he couldn't if he tried. It was much easier when he had Dan's calm, soft, voice to focus on.

"K-keep t-alk-k," Phil forced out through his tears and hyperventilating.

"Of course, of course, love," Dan spoke, sat crisscross in front of him and still holding Phil's hands away from his chest so it wasn't restricted. "Just breathe, Philly. You're doing so well."

Dan rambled praises, spoke about what they'd do when they got home, how excited he was for the new Game of Thrones.

Phil tried to take deep breaths, focusing on Dan. Dan's voice. Dan's face. His eyes flickered over Dan's face. Dan's freckles, a very few dark ones scattered here and there. Dan's lips, turned down slightly as he looked at Phil in concern. Dan's eyes, wide and watery as he talked Phil through. Phil always forgot how much his attacks actually affected Dan.

"That's it love," Dan praised, "You're fine. You're okay. I'm here, Phil."

Phil breathed in longer than he expected to be able to, held it for a few seconds, and then slowly let it go. He was a bit proud of himself, during a bad panic like this he normally took a long time to calm down, especially away from home. He sniffled.

"There you go. You're so strong, you're doing so well," Dan rambled, "I'm sorry. We should've stayed home. I'm sorry, Phil."

Phil just leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes. He was so exhausted now. "Can we go home?" he asked, voice shaking and sleepy, "I wanna...go home..."

Dan smiled sadly. "Of course, love, c'mere." He opened his arms and Phil fell into them, burying his face in Dan's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Phil whimpered, shaking having calmed now. It hadn't been he worst attack he'd had, but it'd been more than an average one. Panicking away from home always made it harder to calm down.

Dan frowned. "Don't be sorry, sweetheart, don't ever be sorry. This isn't your fault. I should've realized sooner. Cmon, love. We're gonna go home, watch some tv, and cuddle for the rest of the day, how's that sound?" Dan offered.

Phil sniffled and nodded. He stood on wobbly legs and moved over to the sink to splash water over his face. Dan set a hand on his lower back, rubbing softly. The silence wasn't the thick, anxious, uncomfortable, silence that Phil was used to. With Dan it was always the gentle silence, the kind that assured Phil he didn't have to say a thing.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil from behind, hunching a little to rest his chin on Phil's shoulder.  They remained that way in silence as Phil's breathing completely leveled.

"Are the butterflies gone, now?" Dan asked softly.

Phil hummed softly. "If I try not to think, they're a bit quieter."

"That'll do for now," Dan spoke, kissing Phil on the side of the neck, "At least until we get home, then I promise to make it all better, okay?"

"Dan," Phil sighed, "We've talked about this. It's not your job to pick me up all the time."

"Phil," Dan retorted in the same manner, "We've talked about this. I  _want_  to be here to pick you up because I can't stand not doing something when I know you're hurting, and before you say something stupid, you're not a bother. You're never a bother. All I want to do is make things easier for you, because that's what you've always done for me."

Phil smiled a bit. "We always get so sappy after these don't we?" He asked.

"Well next time we're sappy, I'd prefer it to occur without this as the cause," Dan spoke, cracking a small smile. He squeezed his arms around Phil. "I love you," he murmured softly.

Phil smiled. "I know." That was the one thing Phil's anxiety could no longer touch. He knew Dan loved him, and no amount of overthinking would change that fact. Dan would always love him and he would always love Dan. That was just how it was. Dark butterflies or not.

When they got home, Dan would assure Phil he had nothing to be embarrassed about. He'd cuddle Phil until Phil's panic-induced exhaustion took over and Phil feel into a deep, blissfully dreamless, sleep. Dan would stroke Phil's hair, calling and making another appointment with Phil's psychiatrist.

It wasn't the best situation, but it was no way the worst. Dan was able to help Phil. Phil was able to recover from his episodes. They were able to manage it. With each other's support they'd work to tackle whatever messy situation their minds threw at them.


End file.
